Deadly Thoughts

By Bethany | May 06, 2018 | mental health suicide yoga
The mind: it can be a crazy, dark, beautiful, chaotic, place.  The mind is an amazingly complex organ that not only runs your body but can greatly affect your life and determine your future. Every action you take begins with a single thought.  I remember when the thought “you’re a lost cause”popped into my head after a week of bad decisions.  That’s the night I tried to take my own life. 
I genuinely trusted and loved God.  I was going to church, part of a small group and actively involved.  But something wasn’t quite right.  Why couldn’t I “be good”consistently?!?!  If you’ve read my previous blog, you know I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety (so that explained a lot).  In one of my weakest moments, Satan saw the perfect opportunity to attack.  I was mentally weak and felt absolutely nothing on the inside.  He didn’t come to me in a dark, creepy voice.  He’s smarter than that.  The voice was my own.  “You’re a lost cause.”  I grabbed a handful of the pills that were supposed to keep me stable and immediately thought of Anna (another deadly thought arose); “she’ll be better off anyway,”and down they went…and then some more.  
Praise God my life was spared that night.  It wasn’t pretty and the road to recovery was long and hard but one I was willing to go down.  The farther I got away from that incident, the angrier I got.  I took it personally that the Devil was trying to take me out and made it my personal mission to prove him wrong and tell as many people as I could that:
1.  You are not a lost cause
2.  You were created ON purpose and FOR a purpose
3.  The world needs you and your story.
Here are some lessons that I learned on my mat that helped me off my mat:
  1. Think about what you’re thinking about; I’m pretty sure that’s a Joyce Meyer’s quote!  I had to tune into my thoughts.  My mind was like a freaking rat race.  I would sit up for hours just staring at the ceiling, thoughts going 90 miles a minute.  When you start to think of each thought one by one, they begin to slow down.
  2. You don’t have to believe everything that pops into your head, i.e. “you’re a lost cause.”  When you start to think about what you’re thinking about a few recurring thoughts may come to mind.  You may have returned to this thought for so long; you have allowed it to become who you are.  Thoughts of: I’m unworthy, I’m ugly, or I’m not good enough.  Those are all lies!  You need to recognize those thoughts and combat them with truth.  Who does God say you are?
  3. Breathe!!  One of the greatest tools I have to focus my mind and to calm my nerves is my breath.   I breathe with the Ujjayi breath.  The sound alone is naturally calming to the central nervous system, and when you’re focused on your breathing, it’s hard to think about anything else.  Breathing fully brings the air all the way up into your chest, loosening those muscles and tendons that get tight from daily living or from stress.
  4. Know that someone needs you.  I received an email once from a woman said that after reading my story, she chose NOT to take her own life.  Can you even imagine that?  Someone contemplating suicide and somehow she finds my blog?!?!?!  Let that sink in for a moment.
Writing these words, the memories are still very fresh in my mind. I remember everything from that night.  I remember feeling absolutely dead on the inside.  I remember feeling lost.  I remember the pain on my husband’s face; I remember the hospital and straps and tubes and people everywhere.  I remember, and I’m glad I do because if I forget what I went through then I forget what He brought me through.  He fought hard for me that night.  He is fighting just as hard for you.
“Now you belong to him who was raised from death in order that we might be useful in the service of God.”Romans 7:4
"We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony."
Revelation 12:11

50% Complete