This was a post I made 10 years ago. As I read it, I became overwhelmed with gratitude at the growth I've made over the years. It's hard for me to believe that I was unnerved by such trivial things, yet I remember the rage (I don't use that term lightly) and anxiety that would jump on me over the least little thing.
People who only know me post yoga, would never guess that I was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. I've been physically aggressive, verbally abusive, had an affair, and attempted suicide. I know, I sound like the worst!
But here's what I found when I started this growth journey. You don't know what you don't know and you can't give what you don't have. So how do we become aware of the things we don't know and receive what we've never been given? Well, it doesn't just happen, that's for sure!
It is NOT true that wisdom comes with age. I know a lot of "older" folks who are angry and bitter, who get offended at the least little thing and who numb their pain rather than face it.
We must be INTENTIONAL:
1. DESIRE - You have to want to be and do better. You have to want to break the pattern that has been passed down through generations. You have to want to step outside of the labels put on you. You have to want those things otherwise you won't have any motivation to keep going when things get tough.
2. AWARENESS - Get curious about who you are and why you react/respond in certain ways? Think about what you're thinking about. Ask yourself the hard questions. Get very real with yourself.
3. ACTION - It's one thing to notice when you've lost your cool and yelled. It's another to do something about it. It's one thing to notice that you're thoughts are racing; it's another to decide to slow them down, take them one by one and gauge them against TRUTH.
For me, a lot of this awareness started on my yoga mat. Just from the teacher telling me to get present, notice this and notice that. I was told to think about what I was thinking about and that I didn't have to believe everything that popped into my head.
However, a lot of the deeper work...like how to "fix" those things that came up, I couldn't do on my own. I've seen counselors, taken on mentors, gone to weekend retreats that took me back to my childhood. I mean, I've done some serious work. And it wasn't always easy or pretty. Some of it was downright painful. HOWEVER,
nothing beats getting to the root of our issues and refusing to let them control us anymore.
How empowering is that?!?!
I remember a few years into my growth journey, where I really lost my sh*t! I mean, Lost. It. It was like old Bethany came out of nowhere with her loose tongue and angry outburst. I threw some chairs and lashed out. (This is called being triggered, by the way!) I locked myself in my room with tears streaming down my face, ashamed and angry that I let that situation get to me like that. I looked to Heaven, shrugged my shoulders and said "what are you going to do with me?" I felt my Heavenly Father say "I'm going to use you."
Don't let one mess up throw off your progress.
What to do when you "fall off the wagon" mentally and emotionally?
1. Recognize when old ways start to creep back in.
2. Forgive yourself (and others if you need to).
3. Re-Commit to doing better.
We're all on this journey together. We need to heal and overcome so we can help others do the same. That's my mission. I hope you'll join me.